Saturday, 29 November 2025

The ongoing sadness

 Yeah, a bit of a downer writing these things so I don't expect I'll be looking back on them much in years to come. Mum was sad and out of it today, It breaks my heart to see her so reduced, her world so small and she so frail, shaking, her options a bed, a chair or a comode. This isn't right - and I hear a few so-called Lords are stalling the assisted dying bill to kill it off. I'd invite those bastards to come and see how great it is to pull mum back from the brink again so she can keep going through this. 

Spent a day with her yesterday, very depressing all round. Missed another EMOM as just couldn't face it. Didn't sleep much last night. And so it goes.

Thursday's visit was another gloomy and mostly quiet affair. Left feeling pretty low but determined to fix that by drinking all afternoon. Bought the latest FLC album and he's still the guy who sounds most like me, or a certain flavour of me anyway, although maybe only I can hear this - in the same way as only I can hear many other things. It's possible I suffer from auditory hallucinations or something along with everything else. 

Friday was OK, not really in the mood but recorded something anyway. Pat doing night shift.

Listened back to what I recorded. It's ok-ish but rough and jammy. Deleted from bc anyway. I think the MPC idea feels stronger this morning, perhaps because I feel the need to work on something and go back and refine it over time, not just spurt it out (although I'll doubtless continue to do that). If Andertons had stock I think I'd order one today - but they don't. Walked Broc into park but Pat snoozing so no Tim today. Think he's usually busy Sunday but Pat's away so  you never know. 

I think November hasn't been great musically but will have to go back and listen again, if I can bear it. I bought that Loula Yorke (sp?) download that's getting a lot of love and good reviews etc. Keep going back to it to try and see what gets people excited these days but, well, it's OK (two good tracks, a fair bit of filler / similar material) but maybe it's another sign of how out of touch with the Zeitgeist I am. Zeitgeist not answering my calls or emails though so what can I do?




 

 

Thursday, 13 November 2025

November begins with more of the old lingering limbo malarkey

 My sister has taken another couple of weeks off work, which must surely be a problem for her soon. Will try and get some face to face and find if we can help her in some way. This weekend we're doing evening visits to let Lisa get some family time. I was grateful for a day off yesterday and recorded some random nonsense, which isn't totally without merit but also doesn't have a finished feel. May need deleting. Today we're hanging around waiting for the visit later but it does feel more nomal. Got remains of takeaway to finish this evening when we get back, which will be nice. Then an evening of slobbing in front of the TV. 

Been working through From Beer to Eternity and I'm perhaps half-way through. What has struck me is that it's not anywhere near as bad as I thought. That last edit I did (and forgot most of) actually rescued it quite well. The work I'm doing now will sanitise it and bring it to the standard of Bogus, which is nice. The story works, I think, not that anyone's going to read it - even those who have read it before are unlikely to want to load the latest version and see if they like it more. No idea how to get it "out there" but at least I'll be happy knowing it's sitting in some virtual unlibrary, great but unread. Yay. Where are all the great AI agents and AI publishers fighting for you in a tough commercial world? 

We watched Barbie. I think it went down fairly well, but then it had Margot Robbie so the odds were stacked. Mum looked very weak. It feels bloody cruel to see her vanish in tiny, tiny stages like this. 

Monday morning we woke to no water in the taps but it absolutely pissing down, plus the M6 has had yet another crash. Visiting a little later, will see when motorway clears. 

Hoping to get together with Jan & Lisa on Saturday to talk about what we're going to do. Talking on the family Wassap isn't the best way for people to communicate and I'm really shite at doing anything on a phone. I think I had the desktop app once so I should see if I can find it. Bloody hate wassap tho.

Today, Wednesday, we heard they have decreed that mum will be going to Lisa's once a care package is sorted. They are reducing her meds too. I don't think anyone was ever so depressed to hear the phrase "your mother isn't dying" as we all are after a month of "she definitely is". My sister has taken so much time off work and now the cycle will reset. At least we all had a chat today so won't need it on Saturday. The nightmare continues...

Saturday morning. Pat gave me a day off yesterday by visiting in my place, although mum slept through it. They seem intent on discharging her ASAP, which is going to be a whole new level of difficult, the problems falling mostly on Lisa but also on my sister. I think I was the one voice saying it couldn't be done. I should listen to yesterday's recordings before deleting them from bandcamp (probably). I did make a couple of loops of the catchy one for Don but may not have lined them up perfectly in the BB - and couldn't be arsed getting stuff separately into the Zoom. It would be easier if the Wavestate had separate outputs, could have maybe panned each pattern hard left and right and recorded that way as two mono but wtf. Tim coming today for a long-awaited beer/chat sesh then we visit this evening...


Where am I? Tuesday, that's where. Mum slept through this mornings visit so we went to see Lisa and talk about the discharge, which is thursday, assuming everything needed arrives. They'll be glad to see back of mum at Longridge as she was difficult again last night, trying to hit one nurse and pull hair of another. I have no idea how this is going to work at Lisa's unless she can control herself. She's agreed to a new chair anyway as her own is unsuitable as not solid enough for the moving in and out they'll have to do. As always, I fear the worst as so far that's all we've had. 

I realise this has been less of a diary/blog lately and more of a weary complainfest about my life and my mother. Alas, I've done almost nothing creatively at all and my head is pretty fried. Been waiting to buy an MPC Live III but fear if they do become available again I still won't have time to really learn it. Also have pondered whether something more simple like a Zoom R20 multitracker might work better without drastically changing my workflow. I do want to work with some of the DAW mentality but the laptop/Live approach isn't drawing me in, perhaps because it's linked to my Cirklon setup, mostly because that was where there was space to put it. I dunno really, feels like I'm in the doldrums and unlikely to escape unilt mum finally either stabilises or dies. 



Friday tomorrow. Not totally sure what time I'll have as we are going to pick up chair in the morning and will go see mum on the way back at Lisa's. Hoping for an afternoon's fun but a lot depends on how it's going there. I guess this saga will continue....

Apologies to anyone who reads this blog in hope of light-hearted synth talk and other random nonsense.