Another month, mother still dying.... then does, finally

Yeah we're into December now and life is still in this weird limbo state. Doesn't feel like I've done much of any value in October or November other than edit "From Beer to Eternity" which is in far better shape than it was before. I'm in the final third and have skimmed to the end to remind myself how it goes. There are some opportunities remaining to sort a few things out before I contemplate "Liminal Entity" and what that may or may not need. The hard one still outstanding is "After Life" but I have a much clearer idea of how that should go now, having explained a few of my ideas to myself about how it all works. 

I'm still thinking of getting the MPC Live III, purely for the idea of a complete environment for working on songs with a definite structure and flow rather than all the looping things I've done for so long. None are in stock at the moment though but I'm watching. Of course I'll throw myself into it and either totally regret it or feel a good chunk of the studio has become less useful. All this cos I really could not be bothered with the Live/Laptop setup I already have but which I haven't knuckled down and learned. Hmmm.

It's Tuesday and we got the news that mum is in a new stage of her EOL process. The syringe driver is back after just one day and she's in bed not wanting to get out just to float off with the increased meds. Of course by the afternoon she's awake and wanting everything again and now. I'm doing a shift tomorrow so I expect her doing cartwheels around the garden. The doc keeps expressing surprise she's still alive. They sorted 7 night cover though which is a relief. I was gonna go walking this week with Tony but now think I probably won't. Maybe she'll pop off overnight, it's no longer possible to guess. Oh, I pre-ordered the MPC Live III. Decided wtf, no point hanging around as we might all be dead tomorrow (but mum still alive, of course). Today I drank a bottle of beer and worked on a Keystep/Wavestate project and associated Octatrack grooves. My eventual plan is to capture all the prime bits in the MPC and arrange them there since I clearly will never bother to do it in Ableton. Let's see if this plan works out any better than the last...

She died Wednesday evening, peacefully and in her sleep. We didn't get there in time but stayed until nurse then funeral directors came. Pat and I got home maybe 02:30 and didn't sleep much but we're through it now apart from the admin. Funeral should be before Christmas then there will be lots of house clearance to do.

We saw this moonbow on the way to Lisa's after mum died

Blog entries from this point may become more normal. 

The ongoing sadness

 Yeah, a bit of a downer writing these things so I don't expect I'll be looking back on them much in years to come. Mum was sad and out of it today, It breaks my heart to see her so reduced, her world so small and she so frail, shaking, her options a bed, a chair or a comode. This isn't right - and I hear a few so-called Lords are stalling the assisted dying bill to kill it off. I'd invite those bastards to come and see how great it is to pull mum back from the brink again so she can keep going through this. 

Spent a day with her yesterday, very depressing all round. Missed another EMOM as just couldn't face it. Didn't sleep much last night. And so it goes.

Thursday's visit was another gloomy and mostly quiet affair. Left feeling pretty low but determined to fix that by drinking all afternoon. Bought the latest FLC album and he's still the guy who sounds most like me, or a certain flavour of me anyway, although maybe only I can hear this - in the same way as only I can hear many other things. It's possible I suffer from auditory hallucinations or something along with everything else. 

Friday was OK, not really in the mood but recorded something anyway. Pat doing night shift.

Listened back to what I recorded. It's ok-ish but rough and jammy. Deleted from bc anyway. I think the MPC idea feels stronger this morning, perhaps because I feel the need to work on something and go back and refine it over time, not just spurt it out (although I'll doubtless continue to do that). If Andertons had stock I think I'd order one today - but they don't. Walked Broc into park but Pat snoozing so no Tim today. Think he's usually busy Sunday but Pat's away so  you never know. 

I think November hasn't been great musically but will have to go back and listen again, if I can bear it. I bought that Loula Yorke (sp?) download that's getting a lot of love and good reviews etc. Keep going back to it to try and see what gets people excited these days but, well, it's OK (two good tracks, a fair bit of filler / similar material) but maybe it's another sign of how out of touch with the Zeitgeist I am. Zeitgeist not answering my calls or emails though so what can I do?

 

 

November begins with more of the old lingering limbo malarkey

 My sister has taken another couple of weeks off work, which must surely be a problem for her soon. Will try and get some face to face and find if we can help her in some way. This weekend we're doing evening visits to let Lisa get some family time. I was grateful for a day off yesterday and recorded some random nonsense, which isn't totally without merit but also doesn't have a finished feel. May need deleting. Today we're hanging around waiting for the visit later but it does feel more nomal. Got remains of takeaway to finish this evening when we get back, which will be nice. Then an evening of slobbing in front of the TV. 

Been working through From Beer to Eternity and I'm perhaps half-way through. What has struck me is that it's not anywhere near as bad as I thought. That last edit I did (and forgot most of) actually rescued it quite well. The work I'm doing now will sanitise it and bring it to the standard of Bogus, which is nice. The story works, I think, not that anyone's going to read it - even those who have read it before are unlikely to want to load the latest version and see if they like it more. No idea how to get it "out there" but at least I'll be happy knowing it's sitting in some virtual unlibrary, great but unread. Yay. Where are all the great AI agents and AI publishers fighting for you in a tough commercial world? 

We watched Barbie. I think it went down fairly well, but then it had Margot Robbie so the odds were stacked. Mum looked very weak. It feels bloody cruel to see her vanish in tiny, tiny stages like this. 

Monday morning we woke to no water in the taps but it absolutely pissing down, plus the M6 has had yet another crash. Visiting a little later, will see when motorway clears. 

Hoping to get together with Jan & Lisa on Saturday to talk about what we're going to do. Talking on the family Wassap isn't the best way for people to communicate and I'm really shite at doing anything on a phone. I think I had the desktop app once so I should see if I can find it. Bloody hate wassap tho.

Today, Wednesday, we heard they have decreed that mum will be going to Lisa's once a care package is sorted. They are reducing her meds too. I don't think anyone was ever so depressed to hear the phrase "your mother isn't dying" as we all are after a month of "she definitely is". My sister has taken so much time off work and now the cycle will reset. At least we all had a chat today so won't need it on Saturday. The nightmare continues...

Saturday morning. Pat gave me a day off yesterday by visiting in my place, although mum slept through it. They seem intent on discharging her ASAP, which is going to be a whole new level of difficult, the problems falling mostly on Lisa but also on my sister. I think I was the one voice saying it couldn't be done. I should listen to yesterday's recordings before deleting them from bandcamp (probably). I did make a couple of loops of the catchy one for Don but may not have lined them up perfectly in the BB - and couldn't be arsed getting stuff separately into the Zoom. It would be easier if the Wavestate had separate outputs, could have maybe panned each pattern hard left and right and recorded that way as two mono but wtf. Tim coming today for a long-awaited beer/chat sesh then we visit this evening...

Where am I? Tuesday, that's where. Mum slept through this mornings visit so we went to see Lisa and talk about the discharge, which is thursday, assuming everything needed arrives. They'll be glad to see back of mum at Longridge as she was difficult again last night, trying to hit one nurse and pull hair of another. I have no idea how this is going to work at Lisa's unless she can control herself. She's agreed to a new chair anyway as her own is unsuitable as not solid enough for the moving in and out they'll have to do. As always, I fear the worst as so far that's all we've had. 

I realise this has been less of a diary/blog lately and more of a weary complainfest about my life and my mother. Alas, I've done almost nothing creatively at all and my head is pretty fried. Been waiting to buy an MPC Live III but fear if they do become available again I still won't have time to really learn it. Also have pondered whether something more simple like a Zoom R20 multitracker might work better without drastically changing my workflow. I do want to work with some of the DAW mentality but the laptop/Live approach isn't drawing me in, perhaps because it's linked to my Cirklon setup, mostly because that was where there was space to put it. I dunno really, feels like I'm in the doldrums and unlikely to escape unilt mum finally either stabilises or dies. 

Friday tomorrow. Not totally sure what time I'll have as we are going to pick up chair in the morning and will go see mum on the way back at Lisa's. Hoping for an afternoon's fun but a lot depends on how it's going there. I guess this saga will continue....

Apologies to anyone who reads this blog in hope of light-hearted synth talk and other random nonsense.

A "challenging" week with mum .... and October is gone

 Yeah, that. It started very hard but I'm not going to record all the details here as some are just too harrowing, others too personal. Towards the end of the week, when she was more herself, we had a couple of the best chats in years - decades actually. It's going to be a long healing at Lisa's, who is quite incredible for taking it on, not sure how it will work but gob-smacked she's trying. 

It's now Friday and Pat is visiting in my stead so I can have a stoned studio afternoon. Still weary from lack of sleep so no idea what will come out as planting any seeds in this weird soil has to be unpredictable at best. Sure feel better about things today than I did on Sunday and I'm resolved to try and interact with mum differently from now on. 

A bad day, Friday. Made the mistake of getting stoned thinking all improving with mum. Recorded one thing, got call from Lisa and news this is the last lap. Came back and somehow selected a new 505 loop, losing the 5 tracks I'd just recorded but hadn't saved of captured. Good stuff too - felt like a really good one, inevitably. Gave up the idea and powered off. She going to Longridge hospital and we'll see how long we have. 

Here's a photo I took a little earlier than the 505 disaster. 

Sunday now and going this afternoon with my sister. Yesterday's visit was really nice, even though she slept a little. Pat and I chatted to her and she was really interested in our lives and also talking about our family history. It's like all layers of attitude have been peeled away and we're talking like normal people. It's very cathartic actually. I guess I won't get much done this coming week but this is more important - and long overdue. Some things to sort re: funeral and Last Rites (they're not called that now). I'm onto priest and Pat has sent out msg to undertaker. 

Starting to lose track of the days here. Neither of us slept last night. Pat decided not to go today as she felt pressured not to be present yesterday and tire mum out. I'm gonna go early and try and cancel some QVC thing she has on her laptop and keep my visit a bit short, depending on how it seems at the time. She got comfort from some ancient priest and is now "sin free" and has arranged her funeral and burial plot. Some moans at me for donating my body for medical experiments and not caring where it goes afterwards - I don't see the fascination for putting us all in the same hole.

Time has passed. Meds adjusted to reduce agitation and instil more calm. We've done a long weekend to get there though, which has taken its toll. Hoping for a period of normality now. Shame I missed the Interstellar gig but John got me a nice poster. Got in touch with Roland about the 505 and a misprint in the manual claiming it has "knob lock" (the RC-600 does apparently). Guy said he'd forward the request but I will now start getting into the habit of saving my work on it regularly, as if it wasn't a hardware device at all. Even Logic has autosave so...

Missed the Interstellar gig and only John went. 

On Friday I did something in setup 1. Even did minor level/arrangement in Logic afterwards (very basic though it sounds like lstening back). Thought I'd put on USB but can't see it so a surprise for tomorrow. Prov title: Hal O'Wein. Day off visiting mother so energy retained and used creatively. Last day of October and each day she's a little weaker. We would not be allowed to put a dog through this but for people we JFDI. 

Happy birthday to me!

 Wow, I reached the grand old age of 64 still mostly alive. Result, yes? Been increasingly tempted by an MPC after reading about the Live III and its pads, clips, audio tracks and much-increased plugin count. They stupidly don't seem to have added program changes for plugins BUT the limit of 8 has been increased to 32, which I guess I could just about work with. All the drumming articulations and those new pads make it quite a different beast but my main reservation now is the sheer amount of time it will suck not just to learn it but to fully use it and keep doing so. If I was doing lots of live stuff it'd be a no-brainer as I'd just work with that, transfer my samples from the Wavestate for playing and my songs and loops from the OT for a more friendly front-end of my usual backing material. 

Will keep dithering a while yet, I expect as it seems a frivolous idea given the way I work now and am quite happy with. And, really, I don't need anything at all, should flog some stuff really or try and swap my Digitone for a Digitone II. 

Monday and the tree men are here doing their stuff. So I'm lurking around the house for the morning at least. May work on 'Beer'. 

Hurt my back just emptying the air conditioner of water. Not sure quite how it happened but struggled to walk today. No option but to mooch around and do some writing but hoping to be fit for weekend. May miss walking on Thursday though as Scotland is coming up. 

Wednesday, pain relief helped my back but hindered my cooking. I didn't do much except add a section to 'Beer' that was needed before the Curiosum leg begins.That now done I can tidy it later as it's not exactly new but introduced a bit sooner and retrofitted so the later Curio chapters make some kind of sense, or at least are less annoying. 

Not walking tomorrow. Another  decent PRS day, golly!

I quite like this week's album ;) - even on Saturday morning

And on Sunday, instead of going to Scotland with Tony, I went to the hospital where I've been going daily ever since. My mother had the fall we'd all been expecting, not ideal timing. Broken bone in her pelvis and long recovery time to come will mean the hell she thought she was waking up to is being visited upon us all. 

I think I'm gonna blow my PRS on an MPC Live III. Even though I'm not totally convinced that's wise. 

Here's one of Tony's pictures (sure he won't mind) a sort of "this is what you could have won" scenario. I wonder if I'll ever get to that lovely forest of ancient oaks?

September sun, general malaise and sorta preparing for EMOM

 Sorta preparing is right as it involves this Wavestate and I know I've wasted way too much time on this thing already, in terms of making it do multitimbral stuff anyway. It should sit quietly in a rack, mostly forgotten, for pads, like god intended. Oh well. Had a sesh yesterday and came up with precisely nothing of value - can't imagine ever doing that with a synth that naturally, easily sounds good - e.g. the Perfourmer, Model D, Odyssey, Uno, System 8, Super 6, Minilogue XD etc. And all I do is whine about this thing, have you noticed? I wonder if tomorrow I'll love it again, and if so it's because I was triggering samples of the Minimoog or Easel? 

Off into town today for some beers with John. A nice change. 

And it was too, although we had one more beer than I could usually cope with in the daytime. 

Still haven't managed to return the Easels, apparently someone came on Tuesday but didn't put a card through. Trying again for Monday when I'll sit in the front room until someone comes. Grrrr. Had forgotten that faffing process with gear reviews.

Turned studio on yesterday and played with the Osmose as I was missing playing it. That and the Super 6 made me very happy - would be much nicer to do a gig with but not lugging a full-sized keyboard for 20 mins of noodling in a pub. Sticking with Octatrack/KSP/Wavestate but probably gonna drop the Electribe as all the left/right arrow shit for selection is a drag and getting all the levels right between the two things is a PITA really. Might slop in a small monosynth like the Model D as just one thing that sounds good would make a difference. Will program some simple patterns into the Octatrack rather than disrupt the Wavestate but at some point I'll stop using that multitimbrally and just do fucking pads on it, like you're supposed to. ;)

Good day Saturday

https://wilyepeyote.bandcamp.com/album/songs-of-hope-optimism

Hmmm been reading a Stephen King book so didn't practise yesterday. Tried a bit today but everything sounded a bit shit to me. If I'd done it yesterday I may have changed to an ambient looping set but hey, it is what it is. 

I added Friday's track (setup 1) to the optimism album, called it The Weather. We had some weather that day. Saturday and it was promising stuff, including a lovely Virus sequence (I added some stoned overdubs while it was recording but enough of it is good). I had a thing with some different-sounding Performer (HX-One playing a blinder here) and some VF-1 filtered Opsix, Super 6 bass I could not get right at all so will return another day. Maybe tomorrow. 

Bogus Focus V3 and other trifles... starting (re) work on 'Beer'

 I got to the end of my update of V3 today, the Kindle version anyway It was never actually a paperback so I don't have a full paperback cover, nor is the format/font etc. correct. What I think I'll do is leave it Kindle only until that imaginary future day when I've reworked From Beer to Eternity and Liminal Entity too. Then I'll update the Bogus Realities big fat paperback. Redoing After Life is also on the cards but that one could take some time as it's had the least work and scrutiny of all - and parts of it are pretty nutso. I was going to add a dedication to Cara but I didn't know how she'd take it since she hasn't seen the updated text and may still not rate it too highly. 

Heavy rain today and yesterday. We have not managed to book a holday. Pat asked whether we can do a big one next year to which I replied yes. She then revealed that 'big one' meant Somerset or something. It's hard to know what she actually wants to do or where she wants to go. 

Bogus Focus

 I read the first few chapters of "From Beer To Eternity" yesterday and realised the size of the task to fix it. It always was the black sheep and I realise that my work rehabilitating Dai Williams towards the end of BF seems completely undone by his attitude in the next one.It also ignores a few plot points and has no credible timeline between the prison break and reappearance back home. Lots to do, might even start over, not decided yet.

Yeah, have started afresh...

Confusing day trying to keep Wavestate performance, Octatrack pattern and Electribe pattern in sync with KSP project and scene. It's too faffy for live really but gonna try it anyway to see. P3 and JD-XA easier but big and clunky. I think I shoulda gone Elektron as I could do almost all this with the DIgitone 2, although not quite with the lush Wavestate strings etc. Dunno, feel like I waste so much time each sesh tyying to get a sound I can live with. Never had that on the Radias, KS-Rack/JD-XA/Perfourmer - all standard sequence modules and much faster and easier. I am a stoned udiot and doubt the MultiPoly would be the solution either.

Thursday, good Wavestate/Tribe day. Got 3 projects I actually like, where the combination of sounds works really well. Only started sounding good when I got stoned and concentrated on starting siople, Looking fwd to more tomorrow. Recorded nice jam of prj 7. Will overdub rise/hit where I got one transition wrong. 

Friday, good sesh. Some of those pieces starting to take shape nicely and got decent recordings of a few. Walked Broc Saturday morning but used up whatever strength I had so won't be doing a lot today. 

Must've been fairly stoned yesterday (Saturday). Just went upstairs and realised I'd left the studio switched on all night. Vaguely remember leaving it on while I went into other side to trim something on the Mac... oops. Recorded some more jams with a view to adding some ambient bridges but seem to have forgotten that last part. Sunny this morning so may do garden stuff this afternoon rather than more studio. Also, working through "From Beer To Eternity" and contemplating how to tackle its many problems. There are parts that work, which is a relief, but I do need to trim a lot of the indulgent guff and replace with actual working story. Almost everything that happens in that book happens so far in the background you'd have to be a fucking genius to spot it. Stupid boy!